This is probably my only sad post yet or that will be. I haven’t posted in a bit and the reason is that my mother in law passed. She was sweet and generous. I cared for her very much. It hurts to lose her even though we knew she was sick. The crying comes in waves at the most inopportune times.
I read that there are stages of grief and that everyone goes through them but I feel like I am on a roller coaster of emotions.
Sadness, fear, pain, hatred all experienced .
I have tried to distract myself by cleaning and taking care of everything for my father in law and husband. Trying to pack because on top of everything we are moving (don’t know where yet) and have to be out by the end of January.
Then there is Christmas.
I have all my kids presents bought and wrapped. All the decorations are up and the music is playing in the car wherever we go. Yet it feels like an empty Christmas. It was her favorite holiday. She had already bought so many presents and I went through them and wrapped the ones for her husband. I had planned to wrap all of them but I think there was some dementia towards the end cause there are lots of sizes I don’t have a clue who they are for. I think maybe she just bought them cause they were cute.
Then there is the ring. My engagement ring went missing before she passed. I took it off to help with her medical treatments so it wouldn’t tear the glove and couldn’t find it. We found it sitting on the dining room table after we cleaned it off, after she passed and it wasn’t there before. I know it’s crazy but I feel like maybe she finally approved of me and that’s why we found it.
So the reason for this rambling is…… not everyone experiences grief the same and not everyone gets a happy holiday but if you are having a rough time this year you are not alone. It’s more like I am waiting for Christmas to be over this year. I am tired of trying to make sure my kids enjoy it, tired of faking happy. I chose to just focus on kindness this holiday season. I choose to make others happy. My kids, my husband, my father in law, the family in the angel tree. That is what Christmas should be about. I am giving this season because I hurt and it makes me feel a little better.